what's my goal?

who do i wanna be? what do i wanna do exactly?

today, i was incredibly lazy. everytime i had something to do, i kept putting it off and doing it later than i had originally planned to. on days like this, i try my best to relax and set goals a little lower than usual. it's okay to be a bit slower today - after all, i still did whatever i planned to do today. while i was procrastinating and not working on the site like i had planned to, i caught myself surfing the indie web for the sake of "trying to find new ideas." but what i was actually doing was comparing myself to every other webmaster i could find in that moment. thinking to myself "how will i ever get this good?" or "when will my site become as interesting as all the ones i've seen today?" this went on for about a bit before i caught myself in this cycle and forced myself to try to do literally anything else (i ended up staring at my screen doing literally nothing, btw). the day went on. i got lunch, watched some Saiki K. (love that anime) w/ my sibling, and hung out for a bit before hopping back on my computer to keep working (more like procrastinate more lol). eventually, i wound up talking to Kros (one of my best friends ever, btw) about this comparison trap i fell into earlier today and came upon a really important realization. back in 2022-2023, i thought i was a woman. i did the whole thing: voice training, dressing in the amazon basics fit, makeup, and whatever else that i thought women did. and, thinking back, i was always comparing myself to the women around me. my voice wasn't "fem enough," her voice was cuter. her body is curvy/feminine and my body is too boxy/masculine. she fits in those clothes better than i could ever fit in them. i pushed through these feelings because i was trying to be something i wasn't. it wasn't until i started accepting the reality that i didn't really enjoy wearing feminine clothing that i started to find my true self. the clothes fit me better, my voice felt fine as it was, i stopped comparing myself to other women because i realized that i'm not a woman. who cares what other people are doing to look their gender? i'm me, and that's all i ever want to be. but what the heck does that have to do with my website? you might be asking the habit of comparing myself to others didn't stop until i discovered who i actually wanted to be. so if i can decide on a goal for what i want to accomplish with this website, i will also stop comparing myself to other webmasters. everyone's website looks unique because they're expressing who they are. they know what they are/want to be, and therefore they are able to work on their art with that goal in mind, free of comparison. it's like being able to tell someone "it's cool that they are XYZ, but i don't need it because i'm trying to be like me." there's probably a much simpler way to explain all of that. i also feel like everyone already knows this concept too - i just happen to be very slow with these things. i fall into this thinking trap of comparing myself to other artists all the time when i make music - constantly trying to make "the best" song instead of digging deeper into myself and finding out what i sound like. but that's why im so grateful to myself for going on this journey to becoming a proper webmaster; i've learned so much in such a short amount of time for simply exploring a new medium i never thought i'd enjoy. and i'm so excited to keep learning more about myself, creativity, and the little things that affect my daily life and that i wouldn't think to reflect on. it's the new experiences i give myself that teaches me how to become a better person every single day, and i love that so much. if you've made it this far, thank you for reading!! it means a lot to me that you're willing to spend your limited time reading my silly little thoughts. have a great day! <3